Starbucks to Close 600+ Stores

Starbucks today announced that it will be closing more than 600 stores in the United States during the remainder of fiscal 2008 and the first half of fiscal 2009.

Pariah S. Burke (yours truly) is an avid coffee drinker residing in Hillsboro, Oregon, a suburb of Portland. Mr. Burke reportedly drinks upwards of six cups of coffee per day while working as a freelance software industry consultant, writer, and publisher; he drinks even more, he says, on his annual day off. According to the Starbucks.com’s store locator, there are no fewer than 10 separate, company operated Starbucks stores within a 1 minute drive of Mr. Burke’s home.

When asked to comment on the announcement of the planned closure of more than 600 Starbucks stores nationwide, Mr. Burke is quoted as saying: “Yahoo and hallelujah, brother, pass the sugar! The infestation of Starschmucks on every corner–and across the street for people on the other sidewalk–is finally nearing its end! Other, better coffee shops will hopefully be able to compete again.

“To paraphrase Dennis Leary, maybe now we can order some freaking coffee flavored coffee again. And we’ll again be able to use English words like ‘small,’ ‘medium,’ and ‘large’ to communicate how much coffee we want.

“Let the empire of tart coffee served by pompous teenagers crumble!”

Read the press release.